Absolute Nothing: NFL Predictions

Last Week: 9-6

Overall: 69-38-0

Dallas Cowboys (4-3) at Detroit Lions (4-3):

Speaking as both a Lions fan and a fantasy owner of both Dez Bryant and Megatron, I cannot wait for this game. It should as good of one as we saw in Dallas two years, with a game that remains close to the end. That said, I still do not trust this Cowboys team. The defense has played progressively better every week – game against Denver aside – and Tony Romo seems to be managing the offense about as mistake-free as he ever has, but this is the exact same squad that hasn’t managed to finish above mediocre for several straight seasons, and here it should be the same. The defense relies on pressure and turnovers to get stops, and one thing Matt Stafford has managed to cut down on this season is the number of mistakes he’s made (only 4 INTs this season) and thanks to the presence of both Reggie Bush and Calvin Johnson, the field is going to be about as wide as it was for the Broncos. The Cowboys offense has been very good this season, but it’s walking into a hostile environment and going to be asked to keep up with one of the league’s best without its starting running back. Should be a great game that swings in Detroit’s favor.

Detroit Lions: 27-23

Cleveland Browns (3-4) at Kansas City Chiefs (7-0):

You know things are weird when the consensus worst team after Week 2 openly gives up on the season, puts everybody on the trading block, but then balks five weeks later because it thinks it has a shot at the postseason. This is what the Jason Campbell move looks like to me, especially after the Browns are hesitant to move Josh Gordon after openly shopping him earlier this season. Cleveland actually has one of the league’s better defenses, and that should show this week against KC, but it’s still working on finding something on the other side of the ball. Campbell is no longer an NFL starter, but Case Keenum proved last week that the unexpected can be beneficial against this monstrous Chiefs defense. However, for the Browns to have a shot in this game, Campbell will have to stay poised in the pocket under pressure and the Browns defense will have to rattle Alex Smith like he hasn’t been all season long. I don’t see it happening.

Kansas City Chiefs: 24-13

Miami Dolphins (3-3) at New England Patriots (5-2):

Well this is a fun game. Two teams phenomenally underperforming but technically still vying for the division title. Miami just hasn’t looked the same since its meltdown in New Orleans, dropping home games to both Baltimore and Buffalo. It’s been incapable of running the ball and hasn’t played solid defense since Week 3. New England, however, is losing player after player on defense, and Tom Brady just can’t seem to find a rhythm with his new receivers on offense. Fortunately, for the Patriots at least, Stevan Ridley seems to be coming on strong, Rob Gronkowski and Danny Amendola should be back to full strength, and as injury-depleted as that defense is, it doesn’t have to worry about stopping the run, which should allow the Patriots to get back on track.

New England Patriots: 27-19

Buffalo Bills (3-4) at New Orleans Saints (5-1):

I like this new-look Bills squad. The defense is slowly healing up, with a secondary that plays with a great bend-don’t-break philosophy, and Thad Lewis is doing exactly what the Bills need him to do: hand the ball off and don’t throw interceptions. Unfortunately, they’re going to be facing off against Drew Brees in the Superdome. For all the upside the Bills have, this is still the NFL’s elite, even if Jimmy Graham doesn’t go today. Look for Pierre Thomas and Darren Sproles to steal the show this week.

New Orleans Saints: 31-20

New York Giants (1-6) at Philadelphia Eagles (3-4):

This division is getting so old. The Eagles don’t look good, but the Giants look so much worse. For any of you who felt the need to torture yourself by watching the whole MNF game, you got to watch Eli Manning look like an old man who had a receiving corps with no hands between the three of them. Peyton “Jellylegs” Hillis literally went from couch to starter and still managed to be the most effective part of this team. As much as the defense has ailed Philadelphia this year, the Eagles should still be able to put up points in droves, and, Victor Cruz aside, it’s unlikely the Giants will find a way to keep up.

Philadelphia Eagles: 34-24

San Francisco 49ers (5-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-7) – LONDON:

Poor Londoners. Between the two games this year, fans got to watch four teams who were a combined 5-15 heading into kickoff, and unfortunately, this one will probably be worse than the first. The Niners are clicking on all cylinders right now, with Colin Kaepernick finally shaking out the kinks and running the read option to perfection alongside Frank Gore. He’s still struggling to put the ball in the air, but the Jaguars defense – absolutely atrocious – shouldn’t be too difficult to shred. The Niners’ defense is a question mark though, as Chad Henne has proven effective enough at getting the ball to the Jaguars’ two playmakers, Justin Blackmon and Cecil Shorts. The Jags should be able to put up some yards, but this game should never be in doubt.

San Franciso 49ers: 31-17

New York Jets (4-3) at Cincinnati Bengals (5-2):

So the Jets are actually playing like a decent football team now. An exceptional defense is carrying the Geno Smith-led offense, but Smith has been able to do just enough in several games to help the Jets eke out a win. That’s going to be a tough sell in Cincinnati though. As sporadic as this team has looked this season, the Bengals still seem to be one of the NFL’s best squads, especially after knocking off the Lions in Detroit. There shouldn’t be much of a ground attack against the Jets’ solid front, but Andy Dalton and AJ Green seem finally to be connecting, which will open the field up enough to allow the Bengals to walk away with this one.

Cincinnati Bengals 24-17

Pittsburgh Steelers (2-4) at Oakland Raiders (2-4):

As bad as the two teams’ records are, I’m actually looking forward to this game. The Steelers seem to have finally recovered from their early-season tilt and, if last week’s game against Baltimore is the rule, not the exception, they seem to have found their power running-game behind Le’Veon Bell. Pitt drained most of the clock last Sunday and were able to ask very little from Ben Roethlisberger in the win over Baltimoer, and given Oakland’s fairly weak run defense, it wouldn’t be surprising if Pittsburgh tried the same again this week. That said, Oakland is coming off a bye, with Darren McFadden supposedly healthy again, which makes this Oakland offense exceptionally dangerous. Terrelle Pryor has enough weapons to spread the field and can destroy opposing teams with his legs, which Pitt has struggled with all season. The Steelers should win a close one, but both teams should become relative contenders by season’s end.

Pittsburgh Steelers: 20-17

Washington Redskins (2-4) at Denver Broncos (6-1):

Washington’s offense finally looked like it was coming together in last week’s win over Chicago (and by coming together, I mean, “RGIII could finally throw the ball), but nothing has been done to shore up that terrible secondary. Coming off the loss last week at Indianapolis, Peyton Manning and the Broncos will likely rip into Washington from the opening bell and won’t let up until it has a several-touchdown lead.

Denver Broncos: 41-20

Atlanta Falcons (2-4) at Arizona Cardinals (3-4):

Arizona finally looked like the team I was expecting to show up the last few weeks: thoroughly outgunned and outplayed in its division. Carson Palmer simply does not look comfortable, the offensive line is terrible, and Bruce Arians refuses to accept that Rashard Mendenhall isn’t the answer. The defense has been fairly solid throughout the season, but it’s hard to keep opponents out of the end zone when you’re on the field 70 percent of the game. Atlanta is coming off a well-played win against Tampa Bay, Stephen Jackson is back, and Matt Ryan doesn’t seem to have the same trust issues with his receivers as Brady. The defense still needs some serious work, but it’s unlikely Palmer and Andre Ellington (look, Mendenhall is not going to get the job done) will put up the numbers necessary to keep up with the Falcons offense, even in Arizona.

Atlanta Falcons: 31-27

Green Bay Packers (4-2) at Minnesota Vikings (1-5):

I’m pretty sure that Josh Freeman concussion was for the better. Monday Night’s game didn’t just look like a trial run for Freeman; it looked like Minnesota putting all its chips on him, assuming either they’d found their franchise QB or they would get a good draft pick this season, even with Adrian Peterson still relevant enough to carry this team. With Cassel back in, the Vikings will be forced to go back to a balanced playbook, which should actually allow them to score some points this week. That, unfortunately, won’t matter, as, even though Rodgers is still without James Jones, Randall Cobb and Jermichael Finley, Eddie Lacy has given that offense the balance it desperately needed for years, keeping the pressure off Rodgers, who will be able to make do with Jordy Nelson and Jarrett Boykin.

Green Bay Packers: 34-23

Seattle Seahawks (6-1) at St. Louis Rams (3-4):

I wanna say I’m not selling on the Rams just yet. The loss at Carolina hurt, especially losing Sam Bradford for the season, but the defense hasn’t actually been terrible, and the offense finally seems to have found all the pieces it needs to put things together. That said, they have no quarterback. The Seahawks defense has been phenomenal this season, and it’s going to eat what just became a run-centric offense alive. The Rams also can’t stop the run – as evidenced by the fact they’ve been shredded by every dual-threat quarterback ever – and Marshawn Lynch will likely rack up 150 yards and two touchdowns today before going easy on them.

Seattle Seahawks: 31-17